Dear normal American People,

I’ve noticed some polls lately showing that I’m not doing so hot. So I’m going to try to distract from all that by pretending to be really into something I know nothing about and claim that my presence in the debate on that subject will help further it along. I also want to delay or suspend the debate I’m not ready for, as well as that of my even less prepared running mate so that we can concentrate on the problem at hand (all the while claiming this is not about politics, but about putting America first). 

(in)Sincerely,

John