Great question, Phil (great city name too). I think if I were to invent an animal it would have to be some kind of mammal… cuz they are a lil’ bit smarter, cuddlier and get-girls-to-pay-attention-to-meer than reptiles or birds. It’d definitely be protective when needed and near-kill on command (killing is wrong). It could not shed, it would run errands for me, and must be able to squish itself into a really small size for easy portability. It’d have to eat something that I already have plenty of around the house… like fart.

Food is expensive… and on Taco Tuesdays, he’d be one happy mofo. And his name would be Beezle.

Gotta question for Tom? Email him and he’ll try his best (and fail) to not be a complete moron in answering.