NHL Realignment Project – Week 44

NHL Realignment Project - Week 44


There Is No Spoon

Neo, this message was intercepted from the machine communication network. It shows a system of “Bread and Circuses” that the machines have implemented to placate the masses. As we all know, some time in the early 21st Century (right after Gary Bettman relinquished his post), ice hockey overtook all other sports in North America to become THE main spectator sport for the region. The machines have realigned the sport in the Matrix to maximize it’s appeal and effectiveness, but in doing so have committed a fatal error in judgement (since they don’t have that capacity), they left out the people of Hamilton, Ontario… and everyone knows how rabid they are. Study this message and use it to incite a revolt starting in Southern Ontario and spreading across the continent then around the world! You must not fail, Chosen One, for if you do, they may reprogram the Matrix and make Baseball the most popular sport again… or worse, bring back Bettman. Godspeed!



Electronic Memo to the Bread-and-Circuses Program—Your efforts to create and maintain a level of acceptance in the minds of the subjugated human fuel cells has been reviewed and deemed a success for the 1,917th cycle. We continue to approve of the use of the top 24 Combined Statistical Areas in the United States (with the inclusion of the largest standalone Metropolitan Statistical Areas of Miami, Phoenix, San Diego and Tampa) and the 8 largest Canadian Census Metropolitan Areas, for the broadest reach and most efficient population inclusion. The following data were written to the database for archiving:


The Map (based on a free wallpaper of the NHL created by some foolish human in 2012):

NHL Realignment Map - Matrix

NHL Realignment Map – Matrix


The Breakdown:

The breaking down of the league into two conferences of control is a legacy format based on the 1967 expansion and bifurcation of the NHL, and subsequently continued by a our operative, Agent Bettman upon achieving his super-admin post on February 1, 1993.

Each conference is further subdivided into four divisions to help further regional collectivism and rivalry (and thus facilitate control) of the humans therein.


Gained teams from the above-mentioned map:

Atlanta, Cleveland, Houston, Orlando, Quebec City, Sacramento, San Diego, Seattle


Lost teams from the above-mentioned map:

Columbus, Buffalo, Uniondale, Newark, Nashville, Anaheim


The Benefits:

• Efficient Dispersal of Most Effective Human Control Agent — Their love of their local hockey team and their loathing of the teams based in other locations (most notably accentuated by opposing teams situated within the same subdivision as their own).



Each team plays its in-division opponents three times at home and three times on the road: 6 games x 3 teams = 18 games (played in home-and-home series)

Each team plays its in-conference opponents twice at home and twice on the road: 4 games x 12 teams = 48 games (played in home-and-home series)

Each team plays its out-of-conference opponents once at home and once  on the road: 2 games x 16 teams = 32 games (played in home-and-home series)

18 games + 48 games + 32 games = 98 games — ADDITIONAL NOTE: The injection of a fatigue-eliminating sub-program has been an unqualified success.


Playoffs (all series best-of-seven in 2-2-1-1-1 format):

• 4 division winners from each conference qualify for the playoffs (seeded #1-#4 by record)

• 4 best records amongst the non-division winners in each conference are awarded wild-card spots (seeded #5-#8 by record)

• Round One: Conference Quarterfinals — #1 vs #8, #2 vs #7, #3 vs #6, #4 vs #5 (home-ice advantage to higher seeded team)

• Round Two: Conference Semifinals — Highest seed vs lowest seed, 2nd highest vs 2nd lowest (home-ice advantage to higher seeded team)

• Round Three: Conference Finals — Remaining two teams in conference (home-ice advantage to higher seeded team)

• Round Four: Stanley Cup Finals — Conference Champions (home-ice advantage goes to team with the best record)


Continued Success,

Review Sub-Program — Department of Human Distraction


Some notes and a very special thanks this week to the creators of some of the concepts used in the logos:

– Houston Sabres (based on current Buffalo logo)

– Orlando Devils (based on New Jersey Devils concept by Matthiason (DeviantArt Gallery))

– Quebec Tempest (concept by Ryan Barber (Icethetics feature))

– Sacramento Royals (I just crapped that one out, cuz I couldn’t find anything)

– San Diego Ducks (based on current Anaheim Ducks logo)

– Seattle Metros (concept by Ryan Haslett (Icethetics feature))

Don’t forget to share our lil’ project with your hockey fan friends. And, as always, thanks for reading. Until next Sunday!

— TF

Make sure to check out the entire NHL Realignment Project ».